I Have Fallen in Love With My Feet! They are Beautiful!

I love my beautiful feet!  That may sound strange, but it's the truth. I am in love! With my beautiful feet!  (Unless you are repulsed by the photo, you can click for a closer view!)

Healthy skin February 2013

Look at that healthy pink glow (does pink skin glow?)!

You see, not too long ago, August of last year, they looked like the second photo.  I was on Lipo-Dox, a drug with the side-effect of palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia (PPE), otherwise known as hand-foot syndrome.  See these poor toes? I insisted on my daily one or two-mile walks in hot August weather. Since heat and friction aggravate the hand-foot syndrome, this wasn't exactly the smartest thing I've ever done.

The combo of hot summer days and long walks caused my toes to turn an angry red. Soon the skin between my toes blistered and sloughed off.  Was that painful, you ask? Oh, My, Yes!  I wrapped them daily in gauze until they healed but for the duration, while on Lipo-Dox, I had to be very careful with them.

August 2012 hand-foot syndrome

Thankfully, once I quit that drug the skin healed easily.

After Doxil failed, I moved on to oral Hexalen which was marvelous because Hexalen does not have the skin side-effects! My toes, my feet, my hands, my armpits, all healed!

Today my toes look like the first photo!  I am having lymphedema in the left leg, hence the wrap.  I belong to an online forum of ovarian cancer patients and learned there (didn't learn it from my Oncologist!) that there is such a person as a LANA certified lymphedema therapist. I found one 35 miles from home! (Or click here re: LANA certification)

After five daily sessions with her I have the lymph in my left leg almost under control.  She showed me how to do a lymph massage, how to wrap the leg at night, and has provided me with properly sized compression stockings.

Did I say I am in love with my feet!  It is so good to have the skin back in good condition. I hope to be out walking again this summer and am already doing half a mile a day, working into it gradually!

The Bible talks about beautiful feet.  Romans 10:15 says this: "....As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!”  I'm bringing good news in this post for cancer patients suffering from lymphedema about how to find a certified lymphedema therapist....but I also like to share the good news that God loves His people and watches over them day and night, through all circumstances, through life and beyond our earthly death - into eternal life with Him.  Can't get any better news than that.

May your week be blessed!

Whereupon I Almost Obtain a Medical Degree and Also Extol Bag Balm

Sometimes I think I should have a medical degree.  I kid you not. In the three and a half years since being diagnosed with ovarian cancer I believe I've Googled every symptom under the sun and also every drug combo available for treatment.

I've learned that caffeine may slighty inhibit the efficacy (I love that word) of topotecan.  I didn't know that after my first dosage.  But by my second, I had come across that little tidbit of information and for the duration (of the topotecan treatments) I gave up my morning coffee which consists of two or three cups of instant Folgers.  I'm not a caffeine fanatic as such...it's the ritual of selecting a cup, scooping and stirring the coffee granules, nuking in the microwave, sitting down with my Bible or sometimes yesterday's newspaper still lying unread on the table.  I love that morning ritual. But I gave up my coffee for the duration until the topotecan, like all my previous chemo drugs, stopped working.

Palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia.
Day 28 of Cycle 3

Thanks to Google I'm quite well versed on peripheral neuropathy, ocular migraines, palmar-plantar erythrodysesthesia (PPE), and other side-effects of chemotherapy. PPE, otherwise known as hand/foot syndrome, is a widely known side-effect of the chemo drug Doxil. I'm not on Doxil, but I am on its virtual twin, a drug called Lipo-Dox imported from India.  (Doxil, the American drug, is currently unavailable.)

I've learned that the lowly Bag Balm, a veterinary product originally intended to soothe the udders of milk cows, is a soothing balm for hand-foot syndrome. I buy mine at the local farm store on the edge of town and the past three weeks have slathered it twice daily on my poor, tender, reddened feet.  Thanks to Bag Balm my toes healed and are now merely "red and tender" this time round.

Thanks to an online forum for ovarian cancer patients I've become knowledgeable about various treatments, supplements (some advised, some not advised, some ill-advised), the importance of staying active, and maintaining a positive attitude.

Bag Balm, the farmer's friend (and mine)

It's that last one that is difficult. Some compare attitude to the half-full/half-empty glass.  But frankly, at my age, and with my diagnosis, I don't see the "half" as quite accurate.  I figure my glass, in terms of future longevity, is nearing "empty".  Yes, I may have a few years left. Three? Two? Four? Seven?  Who knows. My cancer can metastasize...any time!

Lipo-Dox is my fifth chemo regimen (sixth if I count the few weeks of tamoxifen taken jointly with my third regimen).  I use one drug until it stops working. When my tumor marker begins rising quickly, we know the chemo is no longer working. And we try the next drug.

Frankly I'm amazed.  I've been on carbo/taxol, carbo/taxol/avastin, carbo/gemzar, topotecan, and now Lipo-Dox.   I'm amazed my body is still in decent condition.  Up until recently I've been walking two miles several times a week.  Last month's hand-foot syndrome put the kibosh on walking. At least temporarily.

I'm trying to remain positive...not that the drugs will cure me. I know they won't. Not after so many recurrences, not unless there is a miracle from God Himself.  Nevertheless, I remain positive that treatment will keep me stable for a good while yet.

Some of my online friends have achieved long months or even years of remission.  But more of them are like myself, going through one chemo regimen after another, hoping for a few months in between to rest up for the next drug.

Many of these friends are Christians and recognize that the Bible tells us that God knows our every day before we are even born (Psalm 139:16).  They know that Christians, like everyone else, go through the ordinary travails of life in this world, including cancer.  They know, too, that God is the giver of courage and of faith itself (Ephesians 2:8-9).  As Christians we know that God is with us as we walk through the fire (Isaiah 43:2). We will not be overwhelmed. Instead we will praise God until that very last drop of water in that proverbial half-full/half-empty glass is gone.

May your day be full of good things. As is mine.

Deadly Advice From a Deluded Young Woman

A couple years ago I joined a members-only online forum with hundreds of other ovarian cancer patients (and a few caretakers or family members).

This past week I got really angry. Really, really angry. (I don't think it is grammatically correct to use two "really" words, but you get the picture.)

A young woman posted on our board as well as eight other forums (eight other diseases) that food is the "only" remedy for our health problems. She insisted that if we all ate raw fruits and raw vegetables only (organic, of course) that we could be "cured" of our ailments.

She insisted that to remove the cancerous tumors was to remove our body's defense against the cancer...that the body had deposited the cancer into our ovaries instead of into the heart for instance. The "logic" behind this was that the heart is more vital to the life of the body and hence, the body had taken toxins that might damage the heart, so to speak, and deposited them in the ovaries without which the body can still survive.

As I mentioned already, she advocated this "raw fruit, raw veggie" diet as a "cure-all".

Regardless of the numerous replies disputing her "unscientific" or even "unsensible" idea, she is still insistent today, some two weeks after her original posting.

Generally, I limit my responses to the topic at hand...ovarian cancer...and all the subtopics involved...side-effects, surgeries, personal experiences, new ovca drugs, new trial drugs, etc. Those are the things we ovarians discuss. We sometimes digress to humor or personal anecdotes of life itself. While we mention faith (of whatever kind), we do not use the forum as a "preaching platform".

But this particular discussion was so false and had such a false concept of how we can be "cured". This deluded young woman is .... well...she's deluded. What more can I say. Today she accused us of "fearing death". And I could not let that pass.

Today I responded thusly:

She wrote this:
"May not the 'FEAR' of death guide you into short-sighted decisions to remove your organs or take dangerous drugs under the 'myth' that you will be cured and live 'happily ever after '."

I responded with the following: (I changed the name to protect the "not-so-innocent".)

First of all, SallyAnn, there is NO MYTH that we ovarian cancer patients are believing. Those of us diagnosed at stage III and IV are under NO ILLUSION that we will live, as you say, "HAPPILY EVER AFTER" if we faithfully do our chemo or any other regimen other than YOUR "food only" policy.

And, personally, SallyAnn, I do not FEAR DEATH.

You see, as a Christian, a follower of Christ, a believer of the Bible, I believe that Jesus was telling the truth when he promised eternal life to those who hear and believe. John 5:24. Here are his words....“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life."

The verb tense of "has" is present tense. Our eternal life begins "right now". And the verb tense of "has passed" is past tense. We have already passed out of death. Into eternal life. It begins right now, here and now, not at some "point of death" when our souls leave our bodies.

He also said such words as "I go to prepare a place for you" and "I will come again". And in the last two chapters of the Bible, in the book of Revelation, we hear his promise, "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”

And again in verse 6 Jesus told John, "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost."

I do not live in fear. Yes, I love this life here on earth. Life here is (can be) very, very good. We love our families, we love the beauty of nature, we love the goodness of common blessings with which God blesses the earth. But we also hate death. Death is the common enemy of all mankind. Thanks be to God, He has provided life beyond our physical death.

I seldom discuss my faith here on this forum. But I figure it is fair to do so, considering how you have shared your "non-medical advice" to those of us ovarian cancer patients who will die soon if we follow your "food only" advice.

Bottom line? We are born. We live. We die. But in Christ we have eternal life. He promises that in John 5:24. No ifs, ands, or buts. No special diet necessary. Simply believe that God is who He says He is, and that He has done what He says He has done, and that He WILL do what He says He will do. And then live what you believe.

If you want to eat raw fruits/veggies only, go for it.
If I want to, or anyone else here wants to do the same, go for it.
But don't believe the LIE that we ovarians can discontinue all medical care and that raw foods will CURE you.
It won't happen.

But eternity? Yeah. It's there. And I am not afraid to die.

End of discussion.

Disclaimer: This is not a denial on my part that a healthy diet is a good diet.

Waiting....In the Waiting Room...and Contemplating The Gospel

Recently I read a post by Mike Pohlman whose 40-year-old wife is fighting stage-4 breast cancer. He writes his thoughts from the oncology waiting room, a place where cancer patients spend much time. And do much thinking.

I want to quote just one paragraph...

Mike writes this....

"If we have eyes to see and ears to hear, the cancer-clinic waiting room reminds us that our lives are a vapor; that our days are all numbered; that He gives us life and breath and all things, and, therefore, we are utterly dependent creatures; that sin is real and has a million tragic consequences; that pride is ridiculously ugly and meekness wonderfully beautiful; that we are called to rejoice with those who are rejoicing and weep with those who are weeping; that people are either saved or lost; that God’s grace is real, His Son all-sufficient, and through the cross, cancer will one day be no more."

You can read all of Mike's post here.

As for me? I have stage 3-C ovarian cancer, just one stage short of metastasization (invasion of other organs), and I've spent more hours than I care to count sitting in an oncology waiting room. I'm on my third chemo regimen, having had six months off the first time, and eleven months off the second time (using a maintenance drug during that time). Now I'm trying a third cocktail, carbo/gemzar (carboplatin and gemcitibine). I'm doing well, all things considered. No major side-effects on this regimen other than low blood counts and a bit of nausea the day after treatment...and a bit of arthritis aggravated by the drugs. But I'm well. I'm doing well.

It's been two and a half years since my diagnosis. I'm grateful for this time that God has given me and I hope he gives me many more years. But the truth of the matter is, my life is utterly and completely in God's hands. Just as Mike mentioned at his post, we are dependent upon God for all things...the air we breathe, the blessings we have in this life, and the promise of the life hereafter.

Mike Pohlman is senior pastor at Immanuel Bible Church in Bellingham, Washington. In addition to his post at Ligonier Ministries, his article also appeared in Tabletalk Magazine, a daily devotional publication by Ligonier that is a great resource for your daily walk.

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Paul Did Not Use Google

Paul and his cohorts had no recourse to Google (nor Wikipedia for that matter). If he wanted to prove a point he had to produce eye-witnesses. Couldn't just look it up on the net. And so, when he wants to prove a point about the risen Christ, he reminds his readers that he is backed by well over 500 eye-witnesses.

Here's a short version of what he wrote to believers residing at Corinth.

He states that the risen Christ appeared (walked with, talked with) to:

• Peter
• the twelve disciples
• more than 500 brethren at one time (some who were still alive when Paul wrote this chapter and quite able and willing to testify of the same)
• James
• all the apostles
• to Paul himself

Paul is concerned that some of the believers do not believe in a bodily resurrection from the dead (for themselves, that is). Paul points out that if Christ has not risen from the dead then the following points are valid:

• there is no resurrection from the dead for us...when we die, we die. The End.
  
• it is pointless to preach Christ
• our faith in Christ is pointless
  
• what we proclaim as "truth" is mere "lie"
  
• those who have died have perished...there is no heaven

But Paul is saying that Christ Is Risen. And he has 500+ witnesses to that event. Then he points out the order and meaning of the fact of the risen Christ:

• Christ...the first to rise from the dead.
• In Adam (as descendants of Adam) we all die. None of us gets out of here alive.
• In Christ (joined to him by faith) we will be made alive.
• We get our resurrected bodies at his second advent (his second coming)

But we are not yet there. Death still takes each one of us. But the emphasis here is that Death itself will someday be done away with. There will come a time when there will be no more death! Verse 26 says it like this..."The last enemy that will be abolished is death."

You can read Paul's more plainly here. I Corinthians 15:3-28

And Paul's concluding thoughts here. I Cor. 15:54-55

Jesus came to undo the work of the devil. He came to undo the death that Adam's sin brought to all of us. He came to put an end to death. An end to death? How can there be better news than that? And, hey! That thing about Jesus undoing the work of the devil? You can hover your cursor over the following verses to read about that.
Hebrews 2:14
1 John 3:8

On Easter we celebrate Christ's victory over death on our behalf. In Adam we die. In Christ we live. The latter only because Christ Himself lives and has conquered death.

J.C. Ryle (a much better writer than I) put it this way....We need not wonder that so much importance is attached to our Lord’s resurrection. It is the seal and memorial stone of the great work of redemption, which He came to do. It is the crowning proof that He has paid the debt He undertook to pay on our behalf, won the battle He fought to deliver us from hell, and is accepted as our guarantee and our substitute by our Father in heaven. Had He never come forth from the prison of the grave, how could we ever have been sure that our ransom had been fully paid (1 Corinthians 15:17)? Had He never risen from His conflict with the last enemy, how could we have felt confident that He has overcome death – and him that had the power of death, that is the devil (Hebrews 2:14)? But thanks be unto God, we are not left in doubt. The Lord Jesus really rose again for our justification.

And so we live by faith.
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Today I Am Serious --- Again!

The following is a reposting of my blog entry of July 28, 2008. Lest you think my seemingly fascination with death is due to my having cancer, this post was written six months prior to my diagnosis. I labeled it, "Today I Am Serious." Here is the entry as I wrote it then.

I didn't wake up this morning thinking about today's topic. But someone emailed me this quote by Martin Luther King: "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

I know what he means, of course. He's not talking about the end of life; he's not talking about death. He's talking about moral cowardice and failure.

Death, real Death, is deeper than that...deeper than moral failure on our part. More insidious. More deadly (if I can use "death" to define "death").

Biologically, our lives begin their trek toward death the moment we are conceived. Yes, I recognize that at conception rapid growth occurs. Our cells multiply and divide more prolifically at that point than ever again. It would hardly seem to be a time of dying. But if I consider life as a "time" thing, that we live in "time", that each moment in time is a moment closer to our physical death, then I recognize that my "march toward death" began the moment I began life...at conception.

The moment of death comes to us in many ways. Some live a "natural" lifespan and die of old age. Some die premature, violent deaths. Some linger long and painfully as some disease or bodily dysfunction ends their living days. Somehow we see natural death (old age) as "better" than dying prematurely by accident or disease. We see painless death as "better" than a death that comes painfully. We see certain deaths as tragic and senseless while we view other deaths as normal or natural.

But it is really not the manner of death that is so terrible. The tragedy, the human tragedy, is that we die at all! That death exists! That death awaits all!

It behooves us, then, to take into consideration where and when death entered into the world.

The Bible tell us "The wages of sin is death...", Romans 6:23.

If that is so, then which of my sins causes my death? The one I committed yesterday? The day before? The first time I deliberately chose wrong over right? Which Sin? And if it is sinful action on the part of the individual that brings that individual's death, then what about that newborn infant? The one who took two breaths and died. What sin did that infant commit that was worthy of death?

In regards to myself, some might answer that it is all my sins that bring about my death. That I am guilty of all. And that is true. I am guilty of all my sins. So in a sense I could say that all my sins cause my death. (Remember...as a Christian, I also am completely aware of and thankful for the forgiveness that Christ gives at the Cross.)

Death entered into the world long before I was conceived and born. I'm talking about the death that we are born into. Read Genesis, Chapter 3. My death comes about because of Adam's sin (and ultimately my own sin). It is Adam's sin that brought death into the world...to himself, to his posterity, and to all the animal kingdom. Death reigned in Adam. When he sinned he entered into a condition of death. And as his children we are conceived already entering into death.

The Bible speaks more about death, though, and gives us promise. It tells us that while in Adam we die, in Christ we live. (Romans 5:12-20). It also says that death will someday be destroyed (Rev. 20:14) and that death will not have the victory (1 Corinthians 15:55). (click on the texts to read the verses)

As Christians we can have confidence that death is not the end, that death will not have the victory, that we have life in Christ.

Dennis Ngien, in Christianity Today, puts it this way... "While we should be aware daily of the inevitable reality of death, we can live as those who have been freed from the curse and sting of death. Luther wisely reminds us to ponder "the heavenly picture of Christ," for in Christ, we have passed from death to life. Death is no death to the believers whose lives are hidden with Christ in God."

Today I am serious.

Upon which I Talk About Crossing the River

When we were young (half a century ago!!!) we thought our life paths would go straight forward to job, marriage, children, and someday...so far down the road it was almost invisible...to old age and death. In fact, according to our youthful thinking non-thinking, old age and death would never arrive. It was simply too far away. Eons, centuries, and eras so far forward that effectively the day simply would never arrive. When we were young we were so busy thinking of "living" that we just knew we would never arrive at the "dying".

I hope you do not think I am being morbid. But, frankly, when you have been living with ovarian cancer for two years, unless you live in intense denial, you are quite naturally going to think about the end result of your nasty disease. At first with weeping. And prayers. And questioning. And googling. (Please note the order here...to my way of thinking, prayers naturally have prior place to googling.)

All of this to simply mention (for those of my readers who have cancer) a blog I ran across a couple months ago. You see, cancer patients have much to offer other cancer patients. And so, today, I point you to a blog by Joe Hendricks and his wife, Heidi. When You Both Have Cancer is their story. They write with grace, strength, love, and courage.

And now I'm jumping back to my own blog. At our house we, too, both have cancer. Oh, Hubby's disease isn't specifically labeled "cancer". But the doctors tell us it is "like cancer". His "light chain deposition disease" has knocked his kidneys out...perhaps for the duration...so he's on dialysis three times a week as well as trying various chemo drugs to slow the damage to other organs in his body. Needless to say, his body is not happy about these medical events. Frankly, he struggles daily with the fatigue and pain and other effects of disease and drugs.

Hubby and I find ourselves in a strange place. We find ourselves residing in the land of the enemy (death) as we approach the River Jordan and the Land of the Promise. We take new joy in the words of that old hymn, "Shall We Gather At The River" for it reminds us of the words in the last chapter of the Bible.

Revelation 22:1-4 "Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal,
flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb...."
and again in the previous chapter, Rev. 21:4
"He (God) will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death (our old enemy) will be no more,
neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore,
for the former things have passed away."

This is our hope. We rejoice in this promise. The Son of God, Jesus Christ, has taken our sins to the Cross where He died for us. In return He gives us His Righteousness. When we stand before God we are seen by Him as "clean, forgiven, justified, made holy" by the work of our Redeemer in giving us His Robe of Righteousness. This is a precious promise that we take "by faith" while we reside here but which we will experience in full on that final day.

P.S. You can read how Joshua led the people of Israel across the River Jordan into the Promised Land in Joshua Ch. 3.

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Just Call Us the PowerPort Twins!

Hubby and I shared a unique experience today. An experience that you probably would not wish to share. We sat in chairs side by side.

You may well ask, "Why is sitting in chairs side-by-side a unique experience?"

My reply? The uniqueness is that we sat side-by-side at the clinic receiving our respective chemos for our respective diseases. We each have PowerPorts implanted just under the skin below our collar bones and I call us the PowerPort Twins!

Our ports allow the nurse to simply plug the chemo line right into the port, much like you might plug a phone charger into a wall outlet. There is therefore no need for multiple needle sticks trying to find veins for access. (I LUV my PowerPort!)

Fortunately for Hubby, his chemo (decadron and velcade) takes minutes, not hours. I, on the other hand, spend nearly four hours receiving my chemo cocktail of benedryl, zantac, aloxi, and decadron, (all to prevent allergic reaction and nausea) and the chemo drug Avastin which was recently shown by clinical trial to be beneficial in extending remission time for ovarian cancer patients. Right now I'm in remission. For how long? Only God knows.

Hubby has an extremely rare disease labeled "Light Chain Deposition Disease". It is an auto-immune disease that drops stuff ("light chains"; I can't explain it to you) into the kidneys, effectively plugging the kidneys which then go into failure. He began dialysis about two weeks ago. Dialysis takes four hours, three times weekly.

LCDD has a nasty side-effect of also depositing "light chains" in other body organs...the heart, lungs and liver. This is not good! So far, we see no evidence of that having happened. Dialysis will work to replace the function of the non-working kidneys. But it cannot work in place of heart, liver lungs. The hope is that his chemo protects those organs by halting the deposits. Only time will tell if the chemo works. It seems to be...but we will not know for certain for some months.

Wouldn't it be nice to not have to deal with the waiting and wondering?

Will Hubby's treatments work for him?

Will my remission be two months? six months? two years? Do I dare even type "five years?". Wouldn't it be nice to have a definite timetable for the remaining part of our lives? It's so difficult to plan your life as if you have ten years when you don't know if you have six months. My mind goes back and forth with both scenarios for both of us. It's rather dizzying!

I do know this...life is uncertain for all of us. You need not have cancer or some rare disease to meet Death. Let me tell you about my 92-year-old friend R.

I knew R through our interest in quilting although I hadn't seen her for quite some time. She resided in a senior assisted apartment in the small town north of us. My friend R often drove her electric scooter several blocks to a little quick shop for a few groceries. Each trip meant crossing a set of train tracks both coming and going. I don't know the whys or the whereofs but last week something dreadful happened. Somehow R's scooter tipped and she fell onto the tracks. Witnesses who saw her fall were unable to reach her in time to save her from the oncoming train.

I'm still stunned by it all. The scenario goes through my mind...what were her final moments like?....and what about the train engineer...how is he dealing with this?...and the witnesses...how are they dealing with having witnessed this tragic scene. This woman was a good Christian woman and well loved in her community.

So I repeat my words above. Life is Uncertain...for all of us. We will each face death one way or another. It may come with cancer. It may be a train wreck. It may be any one of a thousand scenarios. It can happen at any age in any manner due to any circumstance. Life is Uncertain.

Living with two serious diseases in the household has caused us to do some serious thinking about death. We're quite open with each other and we talk about it. And that's a good thing.

We want to face death (whenever that may be) with grace and peace and no fear. It is so easy to fall into doubt and fear of the unknown things ahead of us. And so I (and Hubby) cling to the words of the Bible...the promise...the promise of Life in Christ. We trust God's provision for us, even in these present circumstances.

Today I leave you with I Corinthians 15:1-58 and particularly verses 51-57 where Paul writes the following regarding the earthly and eternal...our bodies subject to death and our eternal bodies.

⁵¹Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
⁵²in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed.
⁵³For this perishable body (earthly body subject to death) must put on the imperishable (eternal body), and this mortal body (body of death) must put on immortality (eternal life).
⁵⁴When the perishable (our earthly body) puts on the imperishable (our eternal body), and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
"Death is swallowed up in victory."
⁵⁵ "O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?"
⁵⁶The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.
⁵⁷But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

I hang onto those words and I treasure them. This is a promise. From the One Who Never Lies (God Himself!).

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What I Learned Yesterday In the Chemo Chair

Since February I've been doing chemo three weeks out of four. (It's an easy chemo...only minor side effects. That is, if you can call hair loss minor to a woman's way of thinking! That plus a certain lethargy.) It's a matter of 3-4 hours but yesterday's time in the chemo chair was nearly 6 hours long! My bloods had been faxed to the City the day before so that the Onc could sign the order and fax it back to our local clinic.

Somehow no order was available until I had been in the recliner nearly two hours. No matter, I had taken a book to read.

I've mentioned Kevin DeYoung's book, The Good News We Almost Forgot: Rediscovering the Gospel in a 16th Century Catechism. DeYoung presents the 129 questions/answers of the Heidelberg Confession in a 52 week format, providing a summary narrative each week.

Since I've never been through the Heidelberg Catechism (something is remiss in my theological training...I'm in my 60s and this is the FIRST time I've studied this catechism) I was pleased when Hubby bought me a copy. I'm reading it slowly. The book includes the questions/answers and DeYoung's narratives, but does not list the scriptures associated with each Q/A and which are greatly instructional to the reader.

And so I have downloaded the Catechism Q/As AND the scriptures. It is helpful to me to read the scriptures that support each answer.

So yesterday I'm in the chemo chair and I have a good solid two hours to read. I was blessed with the delay in getting doctor's orders because one of the first drugs to be infused is benedryl and, you guessed it, it puts me to sleep for nearly the duration. Nurse Diana brings me lunch and I eat in what feels like a drug-induced haze but other than that, I spend my time sleeping.

So here are some (not all) of my thoughts on yesterday's reading.

Question 12 asks, "According to God's righteous judgment we deserve punishment both in this world and forever after: How then can we escape punishment and return to God's favor?"

Answer 12: God requires that His justice be satisfied. Therefore the claims of His justice must be paid in full, either by ourselves or another.

Let me interject a thought here. It is disconcerting that many in contemporary Christianity (and in the secular world as well) like to believe "God is Love". They distort that to "God loves everyone" and worse to "God is not a God of wrath".

That is the view I get from the women I teach in jail (Sadly, I've had to again take hiatus from teaching although I still fill in on an emergency basis)! For the most part the religious background of these women is nil, and their most common concept of God, if they have one, is that "God is love". So, then, how do I introduce them to the concept that God is also a "God of wrath" and that we need a Savior who will save us from that wrath, and that God Himself makes the provision for that salvation in His Son Jesus?

Sadly, many today do not teach that God hates (yes, I said "hates!!") sin. And He hates it to the extent that except for His redemptive work through Christ on our behalf we would all perish. And we would perish because in and of ourselves we are unable, totally unable to redeem ourselves.

We can not ourselves undo what we inherited from Adam...his sin nature. Nor can we undo the fact that Adam's sin is our sin...that we are guilty of sin because we are in Adam...we are born (conceived) into Adam's sin and are subject to Adam's sin AND Adam's death. (Add to that the fact that we ourselves sin and there seems no end to the extent of our sins).

Romans 5:12 Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man (that's Adam) and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned-- (in Adam we all sinned).

But, you ask, how can we be held accountable for Adam's sin? How can we be deemed guilty of the "sin nature" he acquired when he first sinned? We were not there! Or were we? Let's look at that.

This may seem like a difficult concept. We believe in fairness and in fairness we would suffer condemnation only for what WE do, and not what our common ancestor Adam did so long ago before death entered the world.

But you see, we WERE there WITH Adam. We were IN Adam.

God had instructed Adam that in the day that he sinned he would "surely die". But in Genesis 3 we do not see Adam being struck by lightning (which was God's righteous perogative) and death does not come instantly. No. In God's great mercy He moves Adam and Eve out of Eden and allows them to live for a long while. During this time we begin to be born. We are their children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, to a thousand and more "greats". We are the descendants of Adam and Eve, all of us, every race, every color, every people, every tribe. We are all their descendants. (This post is long...but stay with me. Keep reading!)

If God had chosen to eliminate Adam and Eve, to have them die instantly on the spot, we would never have come to be born. We were THERE, all of us, in Adam's (and Eve's) loins. We were in their DNA, their genes. Without them we would never be. And if God had carried out the penalty of death right then and there...we would be DEAD before we were ever BORN. It is in great mercy that He did not do that.

God, in His mercy, allowed them to live...and in that mercy allowed US to live. We are each one of us alive today because of God's great mercy extended to Adam and his descendants. While we live we are still children of Adam and hence, still participate in his penalty of death. In Adam we die as we read in Romans 5:12.

That's bad news for all of us. We all die in Adam. That is the sorrow of life...that we are subject to death. We, our loved ones, our babies, our young ones, our middle-aged ones, our old ones. We All Die. Some easily, some painfully, some acceptingly, some resistingly. But death belongs to all. There is no escaping. (I hope you do not find this morbid...if you do, it is only because you have not already accepted this fact. We understand it more as we age.)

But the Good News is that Paul explains further in Romans 5:18-19 "Therefore as one trespass (Adam's sin) led to condemnation for all men (that's us), so one act of righteousness (the righteous life of Christ and His complete obedience unto death on the cross on our behalf) leads to justification and life for all men (to those whom the Father has given Him, those to whom God gives new life, to those who are in Christ).

And the "wrath" of God? His anger towards sin? Paul mentions that, too. Romans 5:9 "Much more then, having now been justified by His blood (the blood of Christ), we shall be saved from the wrath of God (God's righteous anger towards sin) through Him (through Christ)."

Not only are we justified by Christ's blood on our behalf and made right before the throne of judgment, we are also saved from the wrath of God's righteous judgment against our sin. We stand before God clean and right because He has made us clean and right through Christ. That, friend, is Good News.

The easy summation is this:

Bad news: In Adam we die.
Good News: In Christ we live.

Yesterday I saw it this way:

1. Adam, prior to sin, had access to the Creator and to life provided by the Creator. He had life.

2. Adam, after his sin, lost that access to "life" for himself and for his descendants. He now had death. And in Adam WE have death. (Except for what God would provide for him and us through the promised Savior).

3.Adam and his descendants, those who are of the elect, those who will receive new life through God's work on man's behalf, regain access to "eternal life" through the intercessory work of the Christ, the Savior, the one who is fully God and fully Man. Jesus, the God-Man, stands as mediator between fallen man and God the Father. He is our sacrifice, our advocate, our savior. It is in Christ that we have life and that life begins in the Here and Now and continues in the Hereafter. John 5:24

Thanks be to God who created us and who redeems us. The work of creation AND of redemption is His work. On our behalf. In His great mercy. And that is how we can say truely that "God is love." Sin was a costly sin. His love is a costly love, a cost that He Himself provided through His Son on the cross on our behalf.

(You can read the catechism with scriptures here. And if you get bogged down on the first question, do not stop there. Go deeper. Keep reading. Study it out for yourself. Where you have questions, write them down, but keep reading!!)

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Yesterday - Just Fluff! Today - Deadly Serious!

Yesterday's post was "fluff" if you please. Today's is more serious. I guess you could call it "deadly serious".

Unless you've been following my blog for awhile, you may be unaware of the following:

1) I'm a lot older than most of my readers...except for my mom, who obviously is older than I. *waves hi to mom!*

2) I have ovarian cancer, diagnosed about 18 months ago.

3) I am well into my second series of chemo...carbo/taxol/Avastin... and hope to finish up with the heavy guns the last week in July. I'm thinking my Oncologist may have me continue on with the Avastin. He recently attended a conference in Chicago where results of a clinical trial show that continuance with Avastin has efficacy in extending "stability"...that means it extends the time of non-recurrence. It is not a cure. I'm all for extending time of non-recurrence. On the other hand every drug has it's risks...including Avastin. So I'm happy on one hand to have it available and I'm a bit apprehensive on the other hand as to whether the possible benefits outweigh possible risks.

4) My hubby, who has been bearing the brunt of being "caretaker" during this time has himself now been diagnosed with a major health problem. That means we both are looking at serious stuff in terms of treatment, well-being during and after treatment, and...if you wish to really know...in terms of the end of our lives.

Some of you, being younger, may look at us as "old" and therefore "naturally" close to the end of our lives. But from our perspective, we are still "young" relatively speaking! We have many friends and relatives who are much older than we, and who are still living stable, healthy lives...people who are happy and hale. So even though we may be "old" in your eyes, it is startling to be advised that we have suddenly shifted from "well" to having "serious health issues".

(Some of you, being younger, may be blissfully unaware that either of our two ailments can happen to people in your age bracket...the twenties, thirties, forties, etc. Please be advised that I have become acquainted with many of your age who are dealing with the same health issues with which we are dealing. Youth is not a safety net when it comes to the peculiarities of disease!)

I want to say this...during this time we have had to look at "life" and "death". We've looked at the "what-ifs" and the "whens" and the "why-fores". And I, at least, am astounded that we are moving through this with grace...a God-given grace that precludes anxiety or despair! We're certainly curious about it all, educating ourselves as to the ailments and the treatments, learning to eat in ways that enhance our daily lives, setting aside things that used to be "important", and recognizing a little more truly that "life here on earth is short".

We are almost, but not quite, surprised to be able to look back and see God's providential care (Divine Providence, if you please) through all of this. We see circumstances taken care of almost on their own...or at least in a sequence that has eased us through the past 18 months. Happenings that brought us to good health care and diagnosis at the right time. Responsibilities that were taken off our shoulders at the right moment. We have seen God's providential care for us in all of this. We rest easy in His care.

I'm not saying this past year and a half has been without concern or fret. We (at least I) have been forced to look carefully at our faith, at the promises of Scripture, at the hope we have in Christ. I've been forced to bend my knee in prayer, bowing down to God through all of this. And I have had to conclude that it is not about me. It is all about Christ. It is not about us. It is all about the good and perfect will of God.

I've been reminded of such words as Job's "Even though he slay me, yet will I trust him".

And Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you: and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

This past couple weeks I've begun reading through Kevin DeYoung's book on the Heidelberg Catechism. Question #1 in that catechism is "What is your only comfort in life and in death?" The answer to that question could be summed up in "I belong fully to Christ and He provides all that I need, both here and now, and in the hereafter. That is the ultimate comfort in life. And it is the ultimate comfort as we go into death.

The Heidelberg Catechism itself includes scripture references below each question/answer (DeYoung's book does not include the scriptures) and I've been reading each of those scriptures. They remind me and reassure me of the good promises of God. Scriptures such as: (You can hover your cursor over each scripture to read them.)
I Cor. 6:19-20
Romans 14:7-9
I John 1:7-9
I John 2:2
Hebrews 2:14-15
John 6:39-40 (I love this one!)
John 10:27-30 (and this one as well!)
Matthew 10:29-31
Romans 8:28
Romans 8:15-16
2 Corinthians 1:21-22 (this one!)
2 Corinthians 5:5
Ephesians 1:13-14 (and this!)

My prayer for you is that you know and understand that our salvation is found in the work of Christ...and that you understand more fully each day the promise of God's providential care for those who are His. This is where true comfort lies.

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When You Walk Through Fire You Shall Not Be Burned

Today I'm recommending a website for cancer patients...a place where forum members ask questions, encourage one another, and share information. Whether one's cancer is ovarian (as is mine) or otherwise, you may find a helpful forum there. (click here and find a forum) P.S. there are forums at this website for other illnesses, too. So check it out.

One of the issues that cancer patients experience (and patients with other diseases as well) is the realization that this disease will, in much likelihood, eventually cause our death. A death that will come earlier than we once envisioned. So the topic of death was brought up this morning on the ovarian cancer forum....do we think about it?...how do we deal with it?...is it morbid to think about death?

In responding on the forum to that question, I included the following thoughts. I write them here to share with you. And if you wish to not think on death, please feel free to "pass" and read no further.

I had debulking surgery in January and spent 8 days in the hospital. Then a week later, another 5 days. Surgery hit me hard and I thought surely this was the end. I thought I might never walk out of that place and that surely death could be near.

But time and treatment have done their job and right now I feel really good...better than before diagnosis. That does not mean that I am through with cancer. I believe this disease will get me sooner or later. (I'm only being realistic.)

As a strong Christian I believe God holds all our days in His hands. In Psalm 139:16 David speaks to God about his own life and says this: "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. "

God knows all my days. He has my path set before me and I walk it. Sometimes He gives me good days, full of sunshine and goodness. Other days are hard. It's that way for all of us, cancer or no. We are all in this thing, this life, together. Every last one of us.

Some will never experience illness and will live long and happy lives till the moment they keel over of a quite painless and quick heart attack or whatever. Others experience difficulty every day of their life. More difficulty than any of us here has yet experienced. But we, we few (for we are few compared to some other cancers), walk the ovarian cancer path. That path is hard and scary and it beats us up as we walk.

I do not fear death itself. Not that I am in a hurry to get there...I like Life! and I had planned to live to be 90 as my parents and grandparents. (Silly me! I thought I was in control of that! ) What cancer brings to us is the fear of what we will have to endure in terms of treatments, pain, side-effects, complications. Death itself is not the fear. It is the time between now and then that is fearful. At least to me. Frankly, I have never enjoyed pain. Imagine that!

So this is how I have settled my thinking. I try to live "today". I know that "tomorrow" may change and not for the better. But I do not have to live "tomorrow" today. When "tomorrow" gets here, I hope that I will recognize it still as part of God's path for my life and that I will walk it well.

A friend who is a 5-year cancer survivor gave me this scripture when I first went into the hospital...Isaiah 43:2 "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you."

While walking through cancer we are truly being overwhelmed by the flood of fear and we are truly walking through the fire. And yet God promises to be with us through all of it. He does not promise a rose garden. Not in this life. But He does promise to walk with us and bring us through the water and the fire of life. And into His presence when life here is done.


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When You Walk Through the Fire...

I got an email today. From a dear friend. A friend whom I met through and because of our both having cancer. We are plain spoken with each other. We don't beat around the bush. Dealing with cancer is too serious to make fluff out of it. And so we talk to each other. Plain and up front.

My friend is barely a year past her first diagnosis. I'm still well under a year. But we're in the same boat, waiting for our next scans, hoping they will be "clean" and "no change". By now we've educated ourselves to know the nuances of certain terminology...words like "tumor markers" or "areas of activity". We're watchful. We're listening. We're worried. We know that the good news of this week's tests are not a definitive thing. We know that cancer cells can still be lurking, ready to begin again their aggressive growth. We know that time is a factor here...it won't be until we have had good tests for a long period of time, for years, that we can sit back and rest easy.

I think I have a positive attitude about all of this. I don't bemoan my fate. I have not gone into depression. But on the other hand, I never have professed the attitude that some cancer patients have...that "I'm gonna kick cancer's ass!". Oh, Yeah! Sez Who? Cancer is a war zone. And there is shrapnel all around us.

As a Christian I know that God knows my days...all my days...all my future days. Cancer is not a surprise to Him. And if He is the powerful God that the Bible teaches that He is, then if He really wanted to, He could cure me of my cancer right now. And if He doesn't, then all I can surmise is that God has purpose in all of this. Purpose for my ultimate good. Purpose for His ultimate glory.

Merely because we are Christians does not mean life will be a bed of roses. Nor does it mean that I will live with good health to my genetically determined 90 years, and die peacefully of a heart attack in my sleep.

Look at Jesus' first disciples. If these men were the epitome of what it means to be a follower of Christ, then shouldn't they have had lives that ran smooth, went well? Comfortable lives that ended in old age? Wouldn't you think that at least they should have been rewarded for their faith and their unwavering work in spreading the gospel to the early church? And yet, only one of them, John, lived to old age. And John endured imprisonment for his faith. The other ten died martyrs deaths. Killed by the sword, by stoning, by spear, by being thrown off the temple.

And why? Wouldn't it seem plausible to our earthly way of thinking that if they had lived highly successful lives, protected at every turn, shielded at all times from any difficulty, wouldn't that have promoted the spread of Christianity more than the other?

And wouldn't it seem equally plausible (to our way of thinking) that God could impress a lot of unbelievers if He caused the lives of all His people to prosper, to live disease-free, to suffer none of what unbelievers suffer? Wouldn't that be a good way to impress upon unbelievers that it is a good and profitable thing to trust in God?

But we see things in terms of our own thinking. We do not see the secret purposes of God. And it is He who has purposed and ordained all aspects of our lives. Psalm 139:16 David says this: "....And in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them."

In the purposes of God, our lives do have purpose, just as did the lives of the Disciples. We don't know all the secret purposes of God in our own lives. We don't know all that He is working out. But He will work. And He will love. And He will move us along the path of life that He has chosen for us. It is, after all, His grand story; we are only minor parts of His story. We can't always see the grandness of it all. Now we see only parts of His eternal plan. As if we are seeing it in a dark mirror. Dimly.

Paul tells the Corinthians, "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." (I Cor. 13:12)

In Paul's time, a mirror was dim and hazy. Not sharp as in the mirrors we use today. He compared our understanding of eternity to that dim vision. We can only see and understand all of this "eternity" thing dimly. But then, when we are there, we will see face to face. We will know fully.

So now, in this struggle with cancer (or heart, or diabetes, or terrible accident, or birth defect, you name the struggle, it's the same), we see God working in us. We question, we struggle, we move forward in fear, pushing one reluctant heavy foot in front of the other, going to bed at night and wondering about our upcoming blood tests and scans, etc. And we bow down to Him, knowing that He is in control, even of this.

It is a grand journey we are on. And we travel in grand company. And our job while we're traveling is to encourage one another, to cheer each other onward. Keep moving forward. And with each step we look up, amazed that we are given the strength to take another step forward towards the prize. He refines us, causing us to walk through fire.

Isaiah 43:2,3 "....Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you....."

In my flesh, I want to live to 90, healthy all the way, and keel over on the last day from a heart-attack. Happy and long life. No suffering. No pain. Instant death. That's my idea of how my life should go.

And yet, that is likely not the road that God has for me. I have to get my mind off my vision of my road and focus on the unknown road ahead of me. Then I can rejoice in God's providence, his provision, for me. As long as I struggle to stay on my own idea of what my road should be, I struggle against God Himself. I have to quit struggling. I have to recognize that THIS road is the one God has ordained for me. I have to travel THIS road and not the road I would choose. And know that when I walk through the fire, I will be safe under His protection.

My friend is right...it is a strange place we are at. But isn't it a grand place! Haven't we learned so much this past year! Haven't we cried and wept and prayed and struggled with God! (Reminds me of Jacob wrestling with God in the Old Testament). And won't we have a story to tell, our little story, when we are united in eternity! All of our little stories woven together into the grand story of God's dealings with His creatures and of His loving kindness in redeeming us from sin and death.

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Drugs, Drugs, More Drugs and No Drugs

I'm on a clinical trial for a new drug for ovarian cancer. After the six sessions of regular chemo, I'm taking another 16 sessions of Avastin or placebo. Since it's a blind study I haven't a clue as to which I'm receiving.

Yesterday, there I was, sitting in the waiting room. Waiting!

They could just as well call it a "TV room". The TV is always on, always too loud, and always tuned to some program that I detest.

So instead of TV, my preferred mode of passing time is to read. This time spent in the "waiting room" is time to catch up on my reading. I get to read the big city newspaper, peruse magazines that I would not ordinarily purchase, or read a few pages in a book that I've brought with me.

Yesterday, I was reading the newspaper and ran across an article about the "accidental" death of a rather famous entertainment figure. The celebrity, whose real name was Adam Goldstein, died last month. His body was found August 28 in his apartment in New York City's SoHo neighborhood.

In September the Medical Examiner's Office ruled that this man had in his system a mixture of :

• cocaine
• Oxycontin
• hydrocodone
• Xanax
• Konopin
• Benadryl
• levamisole.
  

That's an incredible mix! An astounding mix! And guess what! The cause of death was ruled "accidental" of an "acute intoxication" from the combined effects of the drugs.

I know the illegal use of drugs is out there. I'm acquainted with a number of people who are addicts. And most of them are quite well acquainted with not one, but numerous illegal drugs. They've tried this and they've tried that and they probably habitually use one or more on a daily basis.

It always astounds me that anyone goes into this lifestyle. It's incredibly damaging. Why do they do it? And, yes, I understand that they think they can use "once" and not get addicted. And, yes, I understand that they use drugs to "self-medicate" anxiety, etc., etc. And, yes, I understand that the addiction is a terrible thing to overcome.

And it astounds me is that so many doctors prescribe mood-altering drugs to addicts. These are drugs that are contraindicated for use by drug addicts. Sure, sure, the user is not going to tell his Doc, "Hey, I'm an addict, don't prescribe something for me that will increase my drug dependency." And I'm well aware that addicts are excellent manipulators and know exactly what to say and what not to say while they're in the doctor's office.

But don't you think it might be good to do a blood toxicology for the guy who repeatedly comes to the Doc with some ache and pain or mental stress and who requests a prescrip for hydrocodone or Xanax for instance? Again and again!

The cocktail this guy took killed him. And the death is labeled "accidental". Accidentally what? That he accidentally took one too many pills? No. This man's death wasn't accidental. It was quite predictable. Almost to the point of inevitable. The only question was "when".

While I was doing chemo (January-July) I figured my body was being hit big-time by heavy-duty stuff. While the drugs were doing their thing on the cancer cells, they were also doing their thing on my liver, my kidneys, and a dozen other areas of my body. I knew that. I knew it was bad stuff. But hopefully, the damage to the cancer cells would more than offset the damage to other parts of my body.

Even though I was enduring heavy aches and pains I refused to take even tylenol or ibuprofen. I simply did not want to hit my body with yet another drug. I walked (sat, slept) through the pain.

Reading about this man's death saddened me. Drugs killed him. And not accidentally.
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Today's Date: September 11, 2009

Momentous events lodge in our brain and forever after (at least while in this world) we can look back and vividly remember where we were, what we were doing, what we thought when we first heard the news.

I'm certain it is that way with most of you in regards to September 11, 2001. We were living in California at the time and I was in Minnesota visiting our daughter. We were driving from her home to my mother's home in Iowa and were enjoying the bright morning sun of a beautiful autumn day. We were oblivious to what had happened in New York until my husband called on his cell and asked if we had been listening to NPR. He added this imperative, "Turn on the radio!"

We were two hours into a five hour drive and for the next three hours we sat stunned listening to the news. At a truck stop we caught glimpses of the news on the TV above the cash register. When we arrived at my mother's home we spent the evening watching the news. It wasn't much of a visit...it seemed all we could do was hover over the TV, trying to fathom what all of this meant.

One of my brothers had been near the World Trade Center the day previous to the attack. A brother-in-law was stranded in Canada. He and friends rented a car to drive to the US where they were able to catch a flight home. And here I was, stranded 1800 miles from home.

A day later we returned to Minnesota. I was to fly home on Friday. Planes were grounded and I wondered if I would need to rent a car, catch a ride, or possibly buy a clunker to get me back to California. All kinds of scenarios went through my mind. But by Thursday we learned that my Friday flight out of the Minneapolis-St Paul International Airport was scheduled to fly on time.

At the airport, we pulled up to the curb, got out of the car, and pulled my suitcase from her car. My daughter and I hugged. The emotion of the week erupted and we clung long, both of us sobbing hard, before I turned and headed into the airport. I noticed a security guard observing us. He must have watched that scene over and over as others parted with their loved ones.

It was solemn that day. Silent. There was no noise. People were on alert, eyeballing fellow passengers, searching their intent, as we waited for our flight. Everybody was wondering.....

Again utter silence as we boarded and found our seats. Nobody spoke. Not a sound or cough or sneeze. Just silence. For a long time after takeoff. Everyone in his own thoughts, wondering....

Some time into the flight we must have opened a conversation for the younger man on my right mentioned that he was from New Zealand and worked for monster.com. He had been staying at a motel near the Towers and was evacuated, being forced to leave behind everything, including his computer, clothing, and passport. At the New Zealand consulate he was able to get a temporary passport for his return flight home. He had a wife and two small sons at home. He was on the second flight of his journey and would catch yet another before leaving the States.

The fellow on my left was older. He and his wife were on their way to California where he planned to attend graduate school at a seminary. His wife was seated up front because she had been able to use miles to get first class seating. He commented that while waiting for our flight, he had remembered he still had a box cutter in his coat pocket...he had used it while opening a new computer and packing it for the flight. The screening had not discovered it. He mentioned it to his wife in the waiting room and wondered if he should report it. They thought this might delay their flight and so it was still in his vest pocket. Behind a small copy of the New Testament.

We did not exchange names. I wish we had.

It's been eight years since that day. But every time I see reference to the horrible events of that day I am reminded of the evil intent of man's heart. All of mankind has been hard at work killing off mankind down through the centuries. If history was not your forte in high school, you can surely look at it now and read how man has constantly been killing himself, so to speak. Intrigue after intrigue. Battle after battle. War after war. Newer weapons beating outdated weapons. Death. Death. Death. With Cain being the first to instigate. And with us following forever in his footsteps.

We like to think that in the heart of man there is some good, some kindness, some redemptive feature that will save mankind from his own destruction. And we try to live that, don't we? Don't we try to be good, to be kind, to love one another? We keep trying! And we keep failing! We've been failing ever since Adam. Individually and collectively.

In the end, we have to acknowledge that all of mankind is fallen. All of mankind is tainted with the sin of Adam. All of us! (Romans 3:23). There are none of us who are truly good. Each one of us, in our own flesh, carries Adam's sin. (Romans 3:10).

It is more eloquently stated in Psalm 53:1-3
The fool has said in his heart, "There is no God,"
They are corrupt, and have committed abominable injustice;
There is no one who does good.
God has looked down from heaven upon the sons of men
To see if there is anyone who understands,
Who seeks after God.
Every one of them has turned aside; together they have become corrupt;
There is no one who does good, not even one.

Even the Apostle Paul, that great man of God, despaired over his own sin, acknowledging that in his own flesh, he could not overcome sin. (Romans 7).

If the Apostle Paul wrestled with sin, what about us? What, then, is our remedy?

The answer comes from Paul in his letter to the believers residing in Ephesus...
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ,
just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world,
that we would be holy and blameless before Him. Ephesians 1:3-4

Holy and Blameless! Yes, but not in our own flesh or our own works. When we stand before God we will stand before Him clothed in Christ's righteousness, not our own. For our own righteousness, our own "good" deeds, are as filthy garments before God.(Isaiah 64:6)

Let us read what Paul says next...
...In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us. Ephesians 1:4-8

The process of the salvation can be (somewhat) summed up in the word, "imputation". Adam's sin was imputed (put into, put onto) to us. Our sin (sins) were imputed (put into, put onto) to Christ at the cross. And in exchange, that grand and gracious exchange, Christ's righteousness was imputed (put into, put onto) to us! I have righteousness! Christ's righteousness! Not my own, for my own good deeds are as filthy garments, muddy, filthy, unclean. But in Christ I am Clean and I stand before the throne of God as Clean. In Christ!

There has been no other remedy down through the ages. We live by faith. Faith that Jesus is who He said He is, that He has done what He has said He would do, and that He will do what He said He will do. In terms of eternity it is a "done deal". In terms of time, we live out our faith day by day, moment by moment, trusting that God's work is sure and certain.

As Peter said, "Where else can we go?" John 6:67-68.
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There's Obsessing and There's Observing

Sometimes I wonder if I am dwelling too much on death. That the talk of death makes this blog a bit depressing. Actually, I'm not dwelling. But it might seem that way to those reading my blog. (To me, "dwelling" connotes "obsessing". And in spite of what you may think by reading my notes, I am not obsessing. Merely observing and making comments."

In my posts, I am not dwelling on death per se. I'm dwelling on the hope that we have in spite of death.

We all face physical death. Sooner or later. From the moment of conception in our mother's womb we are moving forward relentlessly. Moment by moment. Each moment brings us closer to the end of our life here on earth. We live in "time" and that's how "time" works. I'm not dwelling on death. I'm not morbid about all that. I'm simply observing and stating fact.

I think most people begin to recognize their own mortality at some point in their lives. As young people we "know" that "old people" die. And now and then, younger people die in accidents. We know that. We see that. But it's always about "them" and never about "me".

However, at some point it becomes an astonishing, "Hmmm, I, too, am going to die! I am human like everyboy else. Everyone dies. And I, too, will eventually die." But even in that first recognition our mind adds, "Someday!". And "someday" always seems a long way down the road. And we think we still have unlimited years ahead of us. And so we blithely go on, never looking seriously at the death that sin has brought into the world. As descendants of Adam we inherit his condition of sin and death. And not only us, but all of the world. All of creation groans, waiting for the time when death will be no more. (Rom. 8:22) (place your cursor over the scripture to read)

But at some point in our lives, if we are fortunate, we begin to see that "someday" is closer than we thought. And in seeing that, we begin to grasp more clearly how rich is the hope we have in Christ Jesus.

I see my cancer as a blessing. Oh, I'm no Pollyanna, thinking everything is "wonderful" when it is indeed not. Cancer or any other major illness is no sweet deal. Everytime I have a twinge of discomfort somewhere in my body I wonder. And everytime I have blood tests or CT scans, I'm anxious to hear a good report. I don't know what lies ahead of me and I wonder. And, yes, I worry a bit. I confess that. As I said, I'm no Pollyanna.

However, I believe Romans 8:28 where Paul says, "All things work together for good for those who love God." And since I cannot see into the mind of God, I have to settle back into my life and into my "now" and relax a bit, letting God deal with my "tomorrow" and provide for "my good". When I do that, take my mind off the "what ifs", then I can relax and enjoy the moment right in front of my nose. And I know that the "good" that He works in my life is spiritual and real and eternal.

Someday death will be done away with. Christ will effectually end death. (I Cor. 15:54,55; Rev. 21:4) And I live in that promise. Even though I (and you) will walk through the "valley of the shadow of death", we do not walk alone and we have the promise that in Christ we live. We have life in Christ. He has taken our death to the cross and in exchange He gives us His life. Eternal life. (John 5:24)

So, then, how do I live in the here and now? I live by faith. Believing and trusting that God has everything under control. No matter what. No matter how it appears. No matter the circumstances. No matter how my days will go. No matter the troubling thoughts that cancer can introduce into my mind. I take one day at a time. And while I want the best treatment possible and while I try to check all possibilities in regards to treatment options, I refuse to obsess about the "what-ifs". There's really no point in doing that.

I just rest. I rest easy. In Christ.
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